10 Reasons Why You Should Be Banned from the Internet

Put the internet down and walk away from it slowly.

The web is the most important technological achievement of our time. This vast network of computers and handheld devices allows human beings to connect and communicate like never before, all while putting unprecedented amounts of information at our fingertips. You can find out the best bratwurst in Germany, listen to Led Zeppelin tunes and look up photos of unicorns all in a matter of seconds. Never in the history of mankind have so many tens of millions of individuals had so much access to so many facts, opinions… and other people.

But then there’s you.

You have a problem. Instead of taking advantage of the glorious wonders of the World Wide Web, you do asinine things like check your Friendster page and blog about solid rants. You, my friend, don’t deserve the Internet. Here are 10 reasons why you should be banned. (Note that nerd ‘net games like Bejeweled and Scrabble are not on this list. Those things are cool.) โ€“Tina Smithers

10. You check your Friendster page.

OK, seriously?? Why? So you can rearrange your featured friends? Because someone just changed their profile pic? That doesn’t make it cool. You don’t have any new friend requests. If you do, they’re probably from people trying to peddle porn. Or they’re someone with no life, wasting forever playing games. Your friends sure as hell aren’t contacting you there. That’s why you have Facebook and email. Or (dare I say it), the phone!

9. Stalking your ex.

What does this accomplish? Either you find out that said ex is unemployed, single and miserable (thus, making you feel superior for six minutes) or you see that your ex is happily screwing someone else on a regular basis, while you sit at home embracing every ounce of pain in the world there is. It’s not a good idea. Go play on Chatroulette or something, instead.

 

8. You obsessively Google yourself.

There’s your blog. And your Facebook. Your LinkedIn, Twitter, defunct Friendster page… what, did you expect to find some sort of breaking news about yourself that you didn’t already know? You’re not Brad Pitt, so why bother?

 

7. You send obnoxious email forwards.

Just two things: Either you had been receiving one, or you are at the other end of the thread, sending one. Spam you spammers!

 

6. You participate on pointless Facebook campaigns.

Changing your profile photo to a cartoon will in no way stop child abuse from happening; you just wanted an excuse to search Google Images for a hot photo of Smurfette. Updating your status also won’t fight cancer. Want to make a difference? Go mentor a child or donate money to the society.

5. You peruse classified ad sites personal sections.

OK, your soul mate is most definitely not posting about you on Craigslist, unless you secretly lust after prostitutes and serial killers. You’re probably not going to find that pretty lady you locked eyes with at the bus stop. Here’s an idea: Start a conversation! Tell that brunette she’s got a breathtaking heiney. What do you have to lose? Or you can just join the rest of us on Match.com.

4. You compulsively browse online sample sales.

I don’t really get this, why would you get a pair of pants on the net where there is often a no return no exchange policy and a higher percentage of being scammed than dropping-by your mall to shop? Ladies?

3. You Facebook-chat-harass your contacts.

When I am busy stalking people and comparing their seemingly better lives to my own, I don’t want to be pestered. Sure, we went to high school together. But it wasn’t by choice. If I wanted to talk to you, you’d probably have my YM username. Or better yet, my phone number.

 

2. You sign on online petitions.

Starting a petition online and forcing everyone to “sign” it will not convince Justin Bieber to come to your hometown of Valenzuela. It will not save the dolphins. It won’t even get Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men. Again, want to make a difference? Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. Donate to PNoy’s next presidential campaign. Get Justin Bieber’s attention by bombarding his Twitter account with spam. But putting your name on an online petition serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Add to this line those Facebook contacts who spam-harass everyone by forcing them to like a page and their ugly picture to win a contest. Eff.

1. You blog about stupid stuffs.

You blog about stupid, unoriginal stuff.

No one cares what you think about cupcakes, kittens and boy bands. For every cat, pastry and baby blog in cyberspace, there is a starving child in Somalia. F*ck Yeah, Kitties & Cupcakes! isn’t original, either. Find some unsaturated subject matter and stick to blogging about that.

Okay, I better go… haha.

 

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