Daily Archives: 07/19/2011

10 Reasons Why You Should Be Banned from the Internet

Put the internet down and walk away from it slowly.

The web is the most important technological achievement of our time. This vast network of computers and handheld devices allows human beings to connect and communicate like never before, all while putting unprecedented amounts of information at our fingertips. You can find out the best bratwurst in Germany, listen to Led Zeppelin tunes and look up photos of unicorns all in a matter of seconds. Never in the history of mankind have so many tens of millions of individuals had so much access to so many facts, opinions… and other people.

But then there’s you.

You have a problem. Instead of taking advantage of the glorious wonders of the World Wide Web, you do asinine things like check your Friendster page and blog about solid rants. You, my friend, don’t deserve the Internet. Here are 10 reasons why you should be banned. (Note that nerd ‘net games like Bejeweled and Scrabble are not on this list. Those things are cool.) –Tina Smithers

10. You check your Friendster page.

OK, seriously?? Why? So you can rearrange your featured friends? Because someone just changed their profile pic? That doesn’t make it cool. You don’t have any new friend requests. If you do, they’re probably from people trying to peddle porn. Or they’re someone with no life, wasting forever playing games. Your friends sure as hell aren’t contacting you there. That’s why you have Facebook and email. Or (dare I say it), the phone!

9. Stalking your ex.

What does this accomplish? Either you find out that said ex is unemployed, single and miserable (thus, making you feel superior for six minutes) or you see that your ex is happily screwing someone else on a regular basis, while you sit at home embracing every ounce of pain in the world there is. It’s not a good idea. Go play on Chatroulette or something, instead.

 

8. You obsessively Google yourself.

There’s your blog. And your Facebook. Your LinkedIn, Twitter, defunct Friendster page… what, did you expect to find some sort of breaking news about yourself that you didn’t already know? You’re not Brad Pitt, so why bother?

 

7. You send obnoxious email forwards.

Just two things: Either you had been receiving one, or you are at the other end of the thread, sending one. Spam you spammers!

 

6. You participate on pointless Facebook campaigns.

Changing your profile photo to a cartoon will in no way stop child abuse from happening; you just wanted an excuse to search Google Images for a hot photo of Smurfette. Updating your status also won’t fight cancer. Want to make a difference? Go mentor a child or donate money to the society.

5. You peruse classified ad sites personal sections.

OK, your soul mate is most definitely not posting about you on Craigslist, unless you secretly lust after prostitutes and serial killers. You’re probably not going to find that pretty lady you locked eyes with at the bus stop. Here’s an idea: Start a conversation! Tell that brunette she’s got a breathtaking heiney. What do you have to lose? Or you can just join the rest of us on Match.com.

4. You compulsively browse online sample sales.

I don’t really get this, why would you get a pair of pants on the net where there is often a no return no exchange policy and a higher percentage of being scammed than dropping-by your mall to shop? Ladies?

3. You Facebook-chat-harass your contacts.

When I am busy stalking people and comparing their seemingly better lives to my own, I don’t want to be pestered. Sure, we went to high school together. But it wasn’t by choice. If I wanted to talk to you, you’d probably have my YM username. Or better yet, my phone number.

 

2. You sign on online petitions.

Starting a petition online and forcing everyone to “sign” it will not convince Justin Bieber to come to your hometown of Valenzuela. It will not save the dolphins. It won’t even get Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men. Again, want to make a difference? Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. Donate to PNoy’s next presidential campaign. Get Justin Bieber’s attention by bombarding his Twitter account with spam. But putting your name on an online petition serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Add to this line those Facebook contacts who spam-harass everyone by forcing them to like a page and their ugly picture to win a contest. Eff.

1. You blog about stupid stuffs.

You blog about stupid, unoriginal stuff.

No one cares what you think about cupcakes, kittens and boy bands. For every cat, pastry and baby blog in cyberspace, there is a starving child in Somalia. F*ck Yeah, Kitties & Cupcakes! isn’t original, either. Find some unsaturated subject matter and stick to blogging about that.

Okay, I better go… haha.

 

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The Transparent Screen Trick

Here’s an easy optical illusion you can do to make your laptop or computer screen look see-through. The optical illusion of transparent screen is a simple yet effective illusion. These Illusions are created by taking a digital photo of your surroundings then place it as the desktop background of your monitor or screen. That way, they appear to have a fully transparent display.

okay forgive me, it's not an excellent photoshop job here, but hey, it's my first try years ago. (lame excuse...hehehe)

It kind of reminds me  of the The Human Condition, painted by the great surrealist Rene Magritte, who did some paintings on an easel that has been placed inside a room and in front of a window, with the painting completing the scene in the window. Below you’ll see the 40 awesome illusionary effects of transparent display. Have fun making your own see-through screen illusions!


BANNEDkok Dangerous

 

 

 

How do these photoshop mistakes get out there? Can somebody answer that for me please?

This is a promo image for Bangkok Dangerous with Nicolas Cage. They have explosions, special effects, sound editing, amazing video editing… and not a single soul that can give Nicolas an arm that looks one bit real.


“It’s Complicated”… IT ISN’T!

Oh, so your  Facebook relationship status says “it’s complicated.” Not “single,” or “in a relationship,” but “it’s complicated.” I bet it is. You’re complex, like Algebra. A mystery, stuffed in an enigma, wrapped in a flaky pastry. No one understands you. It’s complicated! You have so many feelings!

Ha, ha. I’m joking. It’s not complicated. Your life isn’t complicated.

Here’s what “it’s complicated” means: I’m a fussbudget who can’t make a decision. A vain little mumbledouche with tear ducts full of whiskey. It also says: I will probably sleep with you.

Look, either you’re single or in a relationship. Pick one or don’t pick one. Facebook doesn’t require that you advertise whether you are in or out of a relationship. Facebook doesn’t demand you declare if your loins are a buffet of love or a romantic dinner for two. If your love life is a jackknifed tractor trailer, keep it between you and the other people whose lives you’re probably making miserable. You might think that when your friends see your relationship status, they think “This friend of mine leads a passionate, exciting and occasionally melancholy life!” No. What we think is “dingbat.”

The whole “it’s complicated” is such a lame affectation. People with genuinely complicated lives don’t bitch and moan about their complicated lives. They’re out there, knee-deep in trouble, trying to simplify their lives. If you have time to post on Facebook, your life isn’t complicated. Annoying? Most definitely. But complicated? Please. Maybe you’re just befuddled by life’s choices. So many choices! Crunchy or smooth? Large or extra large? Commit or, like, fool around?

Friends of mine who have chosen “it’s complicated” on Facebook remind me of those co-workers who are all talk, no work. They’re always the first to say “my plate is full,” right before eating a donut and then napping at their desk with their eyes open. The lady or the dude doth protest too much, methinks! That’s a quote by Shakespeare, who is a successful Hollywood screenwriter. He’s right, methinks.

I love Facebook. I truly do. Because of Facebook, I know what kind of food my friends are eating. In turn, I can upload pictures of me eating as well. Truly, we live in the future. The communication revolution has harmonized all of humanity’s individual voices into one, single, ugly grunt. But the “it’s complicated” option really polishes my rage knob. It just serves to encourage drama queens. It’s also vaguely insulting. I’m not dumb. When I see “it’s complicated,” I know it’s not, so why lie to me and your other 783 close friends?

The cyborgs who run Facebook should abolish this relationship status. If it’s still important to allow users to express their hot Sloppy Joe relationships, perhaps there are alternatives to a phrase that makes some people feel like they’ve got more layers than they actually have. Instead of “it’s complicated,” why not “off my meds”? Or maybe “same old, old!”

Or how about a relationship status that actually tells the truth behind the phrase “it’s complicated.” Because, let’s be honest, “it’s complicated” is code for “I’m cheating!”


The Backheel Goal!

The United Arab Emirates crushed Lebanon 6-2 in a friendly on Sunday. So maybe in an effort to make things interesting or maybe just because he simply does not conform to acceptable standards of penalty kicks, U.A.E’s Awana Diab’s setup seemed like any other for a penalty, but as he ran up to the ball, he stopped, turned around and backheeled the it toward the goal. Stunned by the audacity, madness and nerve it takes to try to score a penalty with your back to the goal, the keeper just stood and watched as the ball trickled into the net.

Ironically, Diab is up for a disciplinary action. So much for the goal and the disrespect.


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