Oh, so your Facebook relationship status says “it’s complicated.” Not “single,” or “in a relationship,” but “it’s complicated.” I bet it is. You’re complex, like Algebra. A mystery, stuffed in an enigma, wrapped in a flaky pastry. No one understands you. It’s complicated! You have so many feelings!
Ha, ha. I’m joking. It’s not complicated. Your life isn’t complicated.
Here’s what “it’s complicated” means: I’m a fussbudget who can’t make a decision. A vain little mumbledouche with tear ducts full of whiskey. It also says: I will probably sleep with you.
Look, either you’re single or in a relationship. Pick one or don’t pick one. Facebook doesn’t require that you advertise whether you are in or out of a relationship. Facebook doesn’t demand you declare if your loins are a buffet of love or a romantic dinner for two. If your love life is a jackknifed tractor trailer, keep it between you and the other people whose lives you’re probably making miserable. You might think that when your friends see your relationship status, they think “This friend of mine leads a passionate, exciting and occasionally melancholy life!” No. What we think is “dingbat.”
The whole “it’s complicated” is such a lame affectation. People with genuinely complicated lives don’t bitch and moan about their complicated lives. They’re out there, knee-deep in trouble, trying to simplify their lives. If you have time to post on Facebook, your life isn’t complicated. Annoying? Most definitely. But complicated? Please. Maybe you’re just befuddled by life’s choices. So many choices! Crunchy or smooth? Large or extra large? Commit or, like, fool around?
Friends of mine who have chosen “it’s complicated” on Facebook remind me of those co-workers who are all talk, no work. They’re always the first to say “my plate is full,” right before eating a donut and then napping at their desk with their eyes open. The lady or the dude doth protest too much, methinks! That’s a quote by Shakespeare, who is a successful Hollywood screenwriter. He’s right, methinks.
I love Facebook. I truly do. Because of Facebook, I know what kind of food my friends are eating. In turn, I can upload pictures of me eating as well. Truly, we live in the future. The communication revolution has harmonized all of humanity’s individual voices into one, single, ugly grunt. But the “it’s complicated” option really polishes my rage knob. It just serves to encourage drama queens. It’s also vaguely insulting. I’m not dumb. When I see “it’s complicated,” I know it’s not, so why lie to me and your other 783 close friends?
The cyborgs who run Facebook should abolish this relationship status. If it’s still important to allow users to express their hot Sloppy Joe relationships, perhaps there are alternatives to a phrase that makes some people feel like they’ve got more layers than they actually have. Instead of “it’s complicated,” why not “off my meds”? Or maybe “same old, old!”
Or how about a relationship status that actually tells the truth behind the phrase “it’s complicated.” Because, let’s be honest, “it’s complicated” is code for “I’m cheating!”