5 Stages of a Drunken Night

Hell yes, it’s time to do some drinkin’! You’re showered, dressed to the nines and you’ve got zero responsibilities before 2PM the next day. But before you start downing pints, it might be a good idea to get a little preview of what you’re alcoholic evening is going to look like. Here I’ve detailed the five stages of a drunken night, and needless to say, it doesn’t end pretty. But so what? You’re drunk!




Stage #1 – Smart

During this stage, you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all, and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. You are also always right. And of course, the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are “smart”. Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those who get the opportunity to listen in.



Stage #2 – Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you’re the best looking person in the entire room, and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because, of course, they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.



Stage #3 – Rich

Suddenly, magically, you become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course, you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for anyone who happens to glance in your direction because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.



Stage #4 – Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point, you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you will obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.



Stage #5 – Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can’t see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won’t remember! Next, you pass out in a puddle of your own filth and the night is officially over.



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