Any of you could wind up in one of these jobs, at any moment, without realizing it. The shitty jobs I’m about to describe aren’t specific positions or industries — they’re situations. Some of you — hell, maybe even most of you — are already in one of them.
The thing is, when people try to think up the worst job possible, most of them go right to shit. As in, “It could be worse, you could be shoveling shit somewhere!” or “At least we’re not working in a sewer! In shit!” But that type of job isn’t as bad as you think — you actually get used to the smell of poop, the same as you acclimate to a job where you work in brutal heat or bitter cold.
But these jobs below? They’re the ones you never get used to, where the longer you do it, the more it eats away at you. So let’s take a moment to say a prayer for ..
#6. The Laughingstock
Also Known As:
The hard job that everyone laughs at you for having.
“So what do you do?”
“I’m a turkey masturbator.”
You can laugh. I did. But working at the kind of job that not only makes people laugh at you, but makes them tell the exact same fucking joke every time you bring it up, is awful. You eventually start lying about what you do, as if it’s illegal. Just to not hear that same goddamned joke again.
“I’m a turkey m- … carver. I carve turkeys.”
If you’re scoffing and saying people should learn to have a sense of humor about themselves, I’m guessing you’re not yet at that stage of life where you’re judged according to your job. If you’re 22 and you tell your peers, “I work at Chipotle, holding a sign while dressed as a burrito,” they’ll either laugh in sympathy, or say, “No shit, are they hiring? What are the hours like?”
But soon you’ll move onto a period of your life where you are defined entirely by what you do. It’s how the newspapers will refer to you if you ever make the headlines (“Pet Groomer Dies in Chimp Attack”), it’ll be the first thing you’re asked at parties, it’ll be the first thing girls ask you when you start flirting. The polite attempt to hide their disappointment when they decide they’re talking to a guy with a loser job is kind of crushing.
For Example …
God help you if you worked at a fast food restaurant in your youth, but kept getting promoted until, at middle age, you wound up a store manager. It doesn’t matter that you’re working 60 hours a week and taking in bonus money for keeping the store profitable — when you tell people you work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, you’re a loser with a picture of Colonel Sanders on your hat. Work anywhere in the newspaper business along the distribution chain? It doesn’t matter how high up the ladder you are, or if you needed a special license to drive the truck that ships the papers — to everyone else you’re a “paperboy.”
I know a guy who waited three years on a waiting list to get a job as a mailman — it’s a tough job to get because it’s a sweet government job with good benefits, and you have to pass all sorts of exams and background checks. But to this day, if he tells people what he does, they’ll make a joke about “going postal.” “Haha! You’re not going to shoot us, are you! Do you want some of my lithium?” The same joke, over and over and over.
“You know, I wasn’t going to — but that sounds like a great idea.”
Though that’s not as bad as working at, say, a sperm bank. Or any job that involves sex in any capacity. It’s fucking 2011, but if you are connected to the porn industry in any way (even on the billing or Web hosting side), you have to lie about your job as if you’re a drug dealer. And it’s a lie you have to tell constantly.
All because society has decided that certain jobs, regardless of skill level, pay or difficulty, are to be ridiculed.
In some areas, these guys make more than most of the people reading this article.