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How To Fall In Love With Someone Who’s Been In Love Before

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You have your first relationship, and then you have your first relationship. The one where you finally figure out, beyond all reasonable doubt or concern, what it’s like to be in love. The one where the word “forever”—however impractical it may be—doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore; the one where the phrase “I love you” finally sounds right rolling off your tongue; the one that sad Lana Del Rey songs will always be able to describe exactly. It could have happened in high school or college or even after, but it’s a time of innocence and beauty and discovery that can never be captured again. It’s like a dream, but like all dreams, you eventually wake up.

You go to different colleges, your paths go different ways, one of you has to break it off. But how can things ever be the same again? How can you ever not feel attracted to that person? Will you ever find somebody as good as them? Is it all downhill from here?

Then you take a walk in the real world and find out that there are still people who can give you things you’ve never had and make you feel ways you’ve never felt. After some false alarms and missteps, you finally do meet somebody else, often in the most unexpected of ways, and you find yourself swept up in this spontaneous and amazing process of falling in love all over again.

It’s so different from your first but the patterns are the same: there’s the first time you stay up all night talking, the first (unbelievably cute) time you spend the night together, the first time you realize the other person’s just as much of a weirdo as you. You feel like this second person, this second love, is so many things that the old person was not. They are another step forward, a progression in life.

But then you grow closer, and for many of us, a little hard seed of insecurity starts to form. It forms and it grows heavier each time you see a blissful-looking picture of them and their ex on Facebook; it grows each time they get a text or message from their ex, however innocuous it may be. The closer you get to them, the more you see the echo of their first love still bouncing around in their life, barely audible but very present.

And this feeling doesn’t go away. You realize that somebody has already landed and left a flag on this person’s heart. You start to feel that this person and their ex shared a bond that you two will never have. And against your will, against your happiness, you start to put their ex on a pedestal, thinking they’re more beautiful or smart or talented than you are.

If you’re crazy and insecure like me, you start to wonder why in hell this person is dating you. That if they had the chance, and the circumstances were right, they would just go back to their ex. And you keep thinking, and you keep thinking, and you start to feel sorry for who you are.

This is where it all falls to shit—but what you don’t realize is that you are in a relationship precisely because of who you are. You’ don’t have whatever made their ex so special, and you never will; you have what makes you special. If you feed this insecurity, your relationship will develop a cancer, one of the most terminal kinds: a lack of full-on acceptance.

Because if you want to truly love someone, you need to accept them unconditionally. That’s not just their present self; that’s their past as well. You need to accept that they fell in love with somebody else once, and no matter what they tell you about them to make you feel better, there had to have been something special and awesome about their ex to make them feel that way.

But their standards are not your standards. No matter how much worse you think you are, this person is dating you for a reason. You’re not worse, you’re not even better—you’re what they need right now.

Putting their ex down in your mind is to lie to yourself; putting their ex on a pedestal is to do a disservice to yourself. You’re you, and the only thing you can do is to work on being the best “you” you can possibly be. And if you feel you’re not up to par, then do something about it. But trust me: 99% of the time, by just being that original person they fell in love with, you are.

You’ve been given an opportunity, a beautiful opportunity to love somebody. To take care of them and make them feel good and give them that special brand of happiness that only you can provide. Yeah, they can still love their ex as a friend—you might be lying if you didn’t think that about your first true love too. But if you think that they’re shorting you, and all objective signs point to it not being that way, then you’re being as unfair to them as you are to yourself.

That’s the mistake I made. I could never accept that my second girlfriend would like me as much as her seemingly spectacular ex-boyfriend. By the time I realized how stupid and insecure I was being, my constant need to be reassured had driven her away. She meant more to me than anything, and by the time I finally accepted that she—at one point—had felt the same way, I had lost her forever.

Don’t make the same mistake as me. This applies not just to second loves; it’s for anyone who’s falling in love with someone who’s been in love before. Never do yourself the disservice of comparing yourself to their exes. You are being loved for a reason—for being you.

Newton said that matter was never created or destroyed in this universe; it stays at a constant. But for some reason, when you add two people that are in love together, you get…something more. A force bigger than the both of them, something that makes life feel more real, more special, more…worth it.

You’ll never be able to truly love someone and experience that type of beauty unless you fully accept them, and that’s everything about them: their past, present and future. I say the future because after you, there will be someone else. Somebody else they’ll stay up all night talking to, somebody else they’ll sleep with for the first time, somebody else that they’ll one day figure out is just as much of a weirdo as them. Somebody else who might one day feel the same insecurities you’re feeling now about you. And when that time comes, the best thing you can do as a human being is to be respectful and never try to make their future lover feel like that.

Relationships aren’t a property game. It’s not a question of owning each other. It’s a thing of passing through someone’s life, loving them, cuddling with them, laughing with them, sharing everything with them from your favorite movies to the same bed at night. And, when it’s all over, it’s about being their friend and accepting whoever will have the privilege of coming after you.If you can let your ego die and accept all of that, then you will have achieved an enlightenment of love that many people will never get to experience. I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it. You are not going to be and you never were their only love. But what you are, is their lover right now, and right now, that’s all that matters.

 

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-to-fall-in-love-with-someone-whos-been-in-love-before/

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ONE DAY

One day, after all the years of planning, you will realize that you reached the place you were working toward and then you reached it again, and again, and you’re dumbfounded by the realization that life is a constant game of reaching for somewhere we’ll never quite be. It’s on this day that you realize that there is an art in just being. That the past and future are illusions. You may not be able to execute it perfectly, but you realize that living in the moment is the only non-delusional choice we have


When I Was Younger…

When I was younger…

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I’d put my arms in my shirt and tell people I lost my arms. Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. Slept will all the stuffed animals as a child so that none of them would get offended. Had that one pen with four colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once. Poured soda into the cap and act like I were taking shots. The hardest decisions was choosing which Nintendo game to play.

Waited behind door to scare someone, then leaving because they’re taking long and I had to pee. Faked being asleep so I could be carried to bed. Used to thinnk that the moon followed our car. Watching two drops of rain roll down the window pretending it was a race. Went on to the computer just to play with Paint.

The only thing I had to take care of was a Tamagochi. The only ‘fake’ friends I had were invisible ones. I used to sing in the shower (I make life decisions in there now). Swallowed a fruit seed and got so scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy. Getting bruised knees heals better than a broken heart.

Living used to be easy. It used to be simple, effortless. The simplest of pleasures that we once knew, no longer catches our interests. The little details of the world that held us in wonder, now hold no place in our new realities.

Remember when we were kids and couldn’t wait to grow up? What the hell were we thinking?


The 20 Things You Need To Stop Doing To Yourself

We are our own greatest enemy. We doubt ourselves, complicate our lives, cloud our minds with unimportant thoughts and negativity, we punish ourselves, hate ourselves and then feel sorry for ourselves because “outside forces” are making our lives a living hell. Life is beautiful — you’re making yours a living hell all on your own. Each of us does things from time to time that make living happily more difficult than it needs to be.

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Surely some of us have it difficult because those are the cards that we’re dealt, but most of us — especially those who are better off financially and don’t live on the streets — make our very own lives more difficult for ourselves. But there are things you can do to stop the miserable cycle that you have found yourself in…

1. Stop Running From Your Problems and Procrastinating.

Problems don’t go away on their own. You can either make them go away or live with them. If you know you can’t live with them, then don’t procrastinate because the weight of them on your mind only increases over time. If you have a problem, then accept that you have a problem and face it — deal with it. Life is a long list of problems that must be overcome.

2. Stop Lying To Yourself.

People will lie to you left and right throughout your life; don’t add to the pile of lies. It is one thing for others to be lying to you and an entirely different issue if you’re lying to yourself. You are the only person that you can trust…but if you have a habit of lying to yourself, then you can’t even trust yourself. You have to be able to rely on yourself and on what you believe.

If you know something to be false, then stop convincing yourself that it is or could possibly be true. Improbable is one thing, but impossible is another.

3. Stop Living In The Past.

Yesterday was yesterday — it’s gone and will never again be. Everyone carries emotional baggage with them. Some of us carry the weight of a depressing past while others live in those happy long-gone moments that we consider to have been the best of our lives. You can reminisce if you’d like as long as you don’t forget that your reality exists only in the present.

It can be a dangerous thing to dwell on the past. Nostalgia can overcome us and make us feel that the world we are living in today falls short of the happiness we experienced in the past. Other times we will punish ourselves for mistakes that we have done and dwell in the negativity and bad feelings that we had. Whatever the case, be wary of focusing on past events and do your best to live in the moment.

4. Stop Attempting To Buy Happiness.

I’ve tried; it doesn’t work. You can buy drinks, buy drugs, buy sex, buy trips, buy experiences, buy toys and clothes…none of it will make you happy — at least not past the day that you buy them. I always revert to Paulo Coelho on this matter: happiness must be something attainable by each and every person no matter what his or her circumstance. If the poorest of the poor can be happy, then happiness cannot lie in the material.

5. Stop Relying On Others.

People have their own lives filled with their own headaches, own problems, own mishaps and own successes. Friendship is great, but often doesn’t weather the storm. Be self-reliant. Be independent. We all find ourselves alone at several points throughout our lives. If you find yourself on your lonesome and don’t know how to deal with it because you are used to having constant support, then you will drown.

6. Stop Fearing Failure.

Failure is such a derogatory term… I don’t understand why. Failing is learning in the real world. There is only so much that you can read up about the way the world works, but true knowledge comes from experience. And no one gets it right the first time around. You failed. Great. Try it again. And again. And again. The more times you get it wrong, the more ways you know NOT to do it.

7. Stop Doing The Same Thing Over And Over, Expecting Different Results.

At the same time, don’t keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. If you tried something one way and it didn’t work, then guess what will happen when you try again exactly in the same manner? Failure is only good if you learn from it. Otherwise it really is just failure.

8. Stop Rejecting Prospective Partners Because Of Your Past Sh*tty Relationships.

You fell in love and had your heart broken; we all have. Luckily for you, now that you have experienced the pain of a broken heart, you have fully experienced the love cycle and can grow as an individual. Relationships, like the rest of life, are learning experiences. Don’t generalize and make yourself believe that all relationships end in heartache because that doesn’t have to be the case. Ultimately, you and your partner decide whether or not the relationship will work. Check your baggage at the door.

9. Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself.

Life is tough for everyone. The richest of the rich have problems. The poorest of the poor have problems. We make problems for ourselves — they don’t exist outside of us. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start interacting with the world around you.

10. Stop Trying To Change Others.

People don’t want to be changed and most often can’t be changed. You must learn to accept people for who they are. The less you focus on all the things you find wrong about an individual, the more you can focus on how to deal with them and all their discrepancies. Don’t fix people; learn to deal with them and — I hate to say it — learn to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do; mind-f*ck them.

11. Stop Making Excuses.

I understand that the time isn’t right, the place isn’t right, and the stars have yet to align perfectly. The setting will never be perfect for anything. Perfect is not the alignment of outside forces; it’s making havoc the perfect opportunity. Stop making excuses and start making opportunities for yourself.

12. Stop Worrying.

Sh*t happens. Then it happens again. Then sh*t won’t happen for a day or two…and then it returns with a vengeance. The more responsibilities that you have the more you have to potentially worry about. The key is to not procrastinate and approach all problems logically. The only thing worth worrying about is your own laziness; everything else is out of your control. If you worry about things out of your control, then you are setting yourself up for a mental breakdown.

13. Stop Focusing On The Negative.

Negativity is overwhelming and contagious. It tints the way we look at the world and makes us believe that we are worse off than we actually are. Negativity and worry go hand in hand and can be the downfall of all that you have worked so hard for.

14. Stop Being Ungrateful.

Statistically speaking, if you are reading this then most people in the world have it worse off than you do. That may not be very comforting…but consider that most of these people are likely to be happier than you. Happiness does not lie in the material, but in the immaterial. Be grateful for what you do have — especially those that play important parts in your life. You could be worse off and may very well be worse off some time in the future. Enjoy whatever prosperity you have.

15. Stop Wasting Time.

You are only allotted a sliver of time to call your life. Use those minutes and hours to make the most of your life. Ever hear your elders complain about how fast time flies by? Listen. They’re speaking the truth.

16. Stop Overloading Your Schedule.

Doing more does not necessarily mean getting more done. It’s all about efficiency. Human beings require certain things in order to live tranquilly. Divvy up your time for all the things that you MUST do and then divvy the rest for the things that you WANT to do. Just make sure to be clear on what you need before you start going after what you want.

17. Stop Trying To Impress Others.

It’s not worth it. The only reason you should ever try to get on someone’s good side is if you need them for something — only in business. When it comes to more personal relationships you can’t do anything more than be yourself. If they don’t love you for who you are, then they will never truly love you.

18. Stop Wishing You Were Someone Else.

Make sure that you know who you are and do all you can to develop — not change. People don’t change, they develop and grow. You are a great individual because you are a human being. There is no need to change who you are to match some preexistent notion of who you should be. Of course, certain situations you may find yourself in will have certain rules of etiquette, which you will need to learn and adopt. However, who you know you are and who others perceive you to be does not have to be the same person.

19. Stop Overlooking The Simple Things In Life.

The simplest of things are the most beautiful of things. Take walks. Talk to strangers. Look up at the sky, the trees, the birds. Connect with nature and all that which comes at little to no price. We often do our best to reach for things that we believe will make us more in tune with reality — happier — only to find out that we were greatly mistaken. Life offers us simple beauties. Relish in them.

20. Stop Hating Yourself.

We are often too tough on ourselves. We hate ourselves for our failures and our inabilities — which makes no sense whatsoever. Failing is learning and inabilities can be turned into abilities with enough work and patience. Whatever you dislike about yourself can be changed… just be sure that it’s worth changing. My advice: learn to love yourself the way that you are. Changes are easier to make when you already have a good relationship with yourself.


MAGIC

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A typical stage magic is a performing art that entertains audiences by staging tricks or creating illusions of seemingly impossible or supernatural feats using natural means. These feats are called magic tricks, effects, or illusions.

And then, there’s Reality magic. The grandest of the illusions performed at the brightest stage there is, life.

Reality is the illusionist.

We are the audience.

 

I. The Pledge.

Reality shows us something that appears ordinary but is probably not, making use of misdirection. It seems normal and fair but all is not what it seems. It could start as a normal day like any other, same time you wake up, same routine, and then there’s a split second of coincidence that de-cloaks the awaiting magic.

This would be the time when your mind and heart is free from any form of suspicion. No matter how cautious you are, you can never escape it cause’ no one can ever expect or foretell how the setup, the pledge would be introduced.

This is the perfect time for the illusionist to introduce to us his assistant, love.

 

II. The Turn.

Next is the performance, or the “Turn,” where the illusionist makes the ordinary act extraordinary.

You wake up one day and realize that everything has changed. Everything went so fast, and you start questioning yourself if you have done enough to catch up with the flow, or if you should really go with the flow.

By this time the illusion has started. Reality most likely had directed all your attention to his assistant making you care less of what is happening outside the theater, or even how your seatmate is doing.

Suddenly, all the things that you do, everything that you wanted, and most of the plans that you would be building for the following days will evolve around the assistant. The illusionist would make you crazy over his assistant like a child is to his first toy. You’ll never get over it. Even if you do in the future, none will make you forget it.

Just when you are so into it, when love has been the apple of your eye, the illusionist will close the magic box, will pull down the curtain of chances and confusion to cover it and within a countdown, the assistant would disappear.

The colorful magic box full of hopes and promises that once held the assistant would also be the same box that made her disappear. Gone from sight, and maybe gone for good.

All of these are misdirection. All real and, yet, you WANT to believe that these problems are solvable at the wave of a wand by the Illusionist.

 

III. The Prestige

Lastly, there is the “Prestige,” where the effect of the illusion is produced.

There are “twists and turns, where lives hang in the balance and you see something shocking you’ve never seen before.” Or maybe something familiar but you refuse to accept that it’s the same stories only different situations.

Makes you hope that the illusionist would approach us and ask for the grand ending we prefer, just like what a performing clown would do on our birthday party held in our own backyard. That will not happen, because you’re not at home, you’re not the illusionist’s master, you are on the biggest stage called life, you are already a part of his performance.

You made yourself too attached with the assistant, now there’s no going back. There’s no use trying, even if you’d be able to get a step back, nothing will be the same again.

And then with the just a wave of a wand, the assistant would reappear. But there’s a catch; the place where the assistant would reappear changes for an added impact. It may be on the same box where she left, on the center stage where you can see her but cannot reach, beside another audience, or if you are lucky, and you have proven to be the best audience around, Reality might be kind enough to make her assistant reappear at your lap, where you can appreciate the prestige way better than anyone else inside the theater would.

This is just a phase; the illusionist has hundreds of tricks off his sleeves. He has many more charms to pull off his hat. There are many other forms of diversions; the stage called life where reality performs has many hidden surprises.

Above everything, what matters is that your assistant is back in sight. She’s okay, but it doesn’t mean that she will get near you to shake your hand, thank you for being there and ask you for a coffee after the show.

Confettis will fall, pop ups will blow, flashes of lights will go brighter, and the act is done. You walk away from the event thinking that what you saw can’t be real yet you still believe.

I believe. I will never get tired of magic. And I will one day break the magician’s code.

Fade to black…


Friday Sickness

Since it’s Friday, here’s a reblog of one of my favorite entries. :)

aybanlim

Occurrence: every Friday

Symptoms: bored to death, drowsiness, brain-dead, always looking on the wall clock, low morale

Findings: There’s an epidemic gripping the country. Each Friday, the population of most classes, and offices, would be drastically halved. People would disappear mysteriously, only to reappear in the most random of places like their homes, malls, or beer joints scattered across the country.

Bosses and teachers are baffled at the sudden drop in attendance. “Wala naman sakit si *****, ano sya, may Friday Sickness?”. And so we have the name of the disease: the Friday sickness.
Usually referring to absences that fall on a Friday, the Friday sickness seizes people with only one or two matters to attend, those who fear their superiors, and people who are beckoned by the sheer fun of pagtambay. In short, the lazy people.
I am one of them.
As I write this, it’s (surprise…

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I’m back!

Heya!

 Been a long while since my last entry, things got a little hectic and my writing got a stint. Oh well, the frustrated writer/blogger is back! :)


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