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How To Fall In Love With Someone Who’s Been In Love Before

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You have your first relationship, and then you have your first relationship. The one where you finally figure out, beyond all reasonable doubt or concern, what it’s like to be in love. The one where the word “forever”—however impractical it may be—doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore; the one where the phrase “I love you” finally sounds right rolling off your tongue; the one that sad Lana Del Rey songs will always be able to describe exactly. It could have happened in high school or college or even after, but it’s a time of innocence and beauty and discovery that can never be captured again. It’s like a dream, but like all dreams, you eventually wake up.

You go to different colleges, your paths go different ways, one of you has to break it off. But how can things ever be the same again? How can you ever not feel attracted to that person? Will you ever find somebody as good as them? Is it all downhill from here?

Then you take a walk in the real world and find out that there are still people who can give you things you’ve never had and make you feel ways you’ve never felt. After some false alarms and missteps, you finally do meet somebody else, often in the most unexpected of ways, and you find yourself swept up in this spontaneous and amazing process of falling in love all over again.

It’s so different from your first but the patterns are the same: there’s the first time you stay up all night talking, the first (unbelievably cute) time you spend the night together, the first time you realize the other person’s just as much of a weirdo as you. You feel like this second person, this second love, is so many things that the old person was not. They are another step forward, a progression in life.

But then you grow closer, and for many of us, a little hard seed of insecurity starts to form. It forms and it grows heavier each time you see a blissful-looking picture of them and their ex on Facebook; it grows each time they get a text or message from their ex, however innocuous it may be. The closer you get to them, the more you see the echo of their first love still bouncing around in their life, barely audible but very present.

And this feeling doesn’t go away. You realize that somebody has already landed and left a flag on this person’s heart. You start to feel that this person and their ex shared a bond that you two will never have. And against your will, against your happiness, you start to put their ex on a pedestal, thinking they’re more beautiful or smart or talented than you are.

If you’re crazy and insecure like me, you start to wonder why in hell this person is dating you. That if they had the chance, and the circumstances were right, they would just go back to their ex. And you keep thinking, and you keep thinking, and you start to feel sorry for who you are.

This is where it all falls to shit—but what you don’t realize is that you are in a relationship precisely because of who you are. You’ don’t have whatever made their ex so special, and you never will; you have what makes you special. If you feed this insecurity, your relationship will develop a cancer, one of the most terminal kinds: a lack of full-on acceptance.

Because if you want to truly love someone, you need to accept them unconditionally. That’s not just their present self; that’s their past as well. You need to accept that they fell in love with somebody else once, and no matter what they tell you about them to make you feel better, there had to have been something special and awesome about their ex to make them feel that way.

But their standards are not your standards. No matter how much worse you think you are, this person is dating you for a reason. You’re not worse, you’re not even better—you’re what they need right now.

Putting their ex down in your mind is to lie to yourself; putting their ex on a pedestal is to do a disservice to yourself. You’re you, and the only thing you can do is to work on being the best “you” you can possibly be. And if you feel you’re not up to par, then do something about it. But trust me: 99% of the time, by just being that original person they fell in love with, you are.

You’ve been given an opportunity, a beautiful opportunity to love somebody. To take care of them and make them feel good and give them that special brand of happiness that only you can provide. Yeah, they can still love their ex as a friend—you might be lying if you didn’t think that about your first true love too. But if you think that they’re shorting you, and all objective signs point to it not being that way, then you’re being as unfair to them as you are to yourself.

That’s the mistake I made. I could never accept that my second girlfriend would like me as much as her seemingly spectacular ex-boyfriend. By the time I realized how stupid and insecure I was being, my constant need to be reassured had driven her away. She meant more to me than anything, and by the time I finally accepted that she—at one point—had felt the same way, I had lost her forever.

Don’t make the same mistake as me. This applies not just to second loves; it’s for anyone who’s falling in love with someone who’s been in love before. Never do yourself the disservice of comparing yourself to their exes. You are being loved for a reason—for being you.

Newton said that matter was never created or destroyed in this universe; it stays at a constant. But for some reason, when you add two people that are in love together, you get…something more. A force bigger than the both of them, something that makes life feel more real, more special, more…worth it.

You’ll never be able to truly love someone and experience that type of beauty unless you fully accept them, and that’s everything about them: their past, present and future. I say the future because after you, there will be someone else. Somebody else they’ll stay up all night talking to, somebody else they’ll sleep with for the first time, somebody else that they’ll one day figure out is just as much of a weirdo as them. Somebody else who might one day feel the same insecurities you’re feeling now about you. And when that time comes, the best thing you can do as a human being is to be respectful and never try to make their future lover feel like that.

Relationships aren’t a property game. It’s not a question of owning each other. It’s a thing of passing through someone’s life, loving them, cuddling with them, laughing with them, sharing everything with them from your favorite movies to the same bed at night. And, when it’s all over, it’s about being their friend and accepting whoever will have the privilege of coming after you.If you can let your ego die and accept all of that, then you will have achieved an enlightenment of love that many people will never get to experience. I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it. You are not going to be and you never were their only love. But what you are, is their lover right now, and right now, that’s all that matters.

 

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-to-fall-in-love-with-someone-whos-been-in-love-before/


ONE DAY

One day, after all the years of planning, you will realize that you reached the place you were working toward and then you reached it again, and again, and you’re dumbfounded by the realization that life is a constant game of reaching for somewhere we’ll never quite be. It’s on this day that you realize that there is an art in just being. That the past and future are illusions. You may not be able to execute it perfectly, but you realize that living in the moment is the only non-delusional choice we have


When I Was Younger…

When I was younger…

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I’d put my arms in my shirt and tell people I lost my arms. Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. Slept will all the stuffed animals as a child so that none of them would get offended. Had that one pen with four colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once. Poured soda into the cap and act like I were taking shots. The hardest decisions was choosing which Nintendo game to play.

Waited behind door to scare someone, then leaving because they’re taking long and I had to pee. Faked being asleep so I could be carried to bed. Used to thinnk that the moon followed our car. Watching two drops of rain roll down the window pretending it was a race. Went on to the computer just to play with Paint.

The only thing I had to take care of was a Tamagochi. The only ‘fake’ friends I had were invisible ones. I used to sing in the shower (I make life decisions in there now). Swallowed a fruit seed and got so scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy. Getting bruised knees heals better than a broken heart.

Living used to be easy. It used to be simple, effortless. The simplest of pleasures that we once knew, no longer catches our interests. The little details of the world that held us in wonder, now hold no place in our new realities.

Remember when we were kids and couldn’t wait to grow up? What the hell were we thinking?


MAGIC

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A typical stage magic is a performing art that entertains audiences by staging tricks or creating illusions of seemingly impossible or supernatural feats using natural means. These feats are called magic tricks, effects, or illusions.

And then, there’s Reality magic. The grandest of the illusions performed at the brightest stage there is, life.

Reality is the illusionist.

We are the audience.

 

I. The Pledge.

Reality shows us something that appears ordinary but is probably not, making use of misdirection. It seems normal and fair but all is not what it seems. It could start as a normal day like any other, same time you wake up, same routine, and then there’s a split second of coincidence that de-cloaks the awaiting magic.

This would be the time when your mind and heart is free from any form of suspicion. No matter how cautious you are, you can never escape it cause’ no one can ever expect or foretell how the setup, the pledge would be introduced.

This is the perfect time for the illusionist to introduce to us his assistant, love.

 

II. The Turn.

Next is the performance, or the “Turn,” where the illusionist makes the ordinary act extraordinary.

You wake up one day and realize that everything has changed. Everything went so fast, and you start questioning yourself if you have done enough to catch up with the flow, or if you should really go with the flow.

By this time the illusion has started. Reality most likely had directed all your attention to his assistant making you care less of what is happening outside the theater, or even how your seatmate is doing.

Suddenly, all the things that you do, everything that you wanted, and most of the plans that you would be building for the following days will evolve around the assistant. The illusionist would make you crazy over his assistant like a child is to his first toy. You’ll never get over it. Even if you do in the future, none will make you forget it.

Just when you are so into it, when love has been the apple of your eye, the illusionist will close the magic box, will pull down the curtain of chances and confusion to cover it and within a countdown, the assistant would disappear.

The colorful magic box full of hopes and promises that once held the assistant would also be the same box that made her disappear. Gone from sight, and maybe gone for good.

All of these are misdirection. All real and, yet, you WANT to believe that these problems are solvable at the wave of a wand by the Illusionist.

 

III. The Prestige

Lastly, there is the “Prestige,” where the effect of the illusion is produced.

There are “twists and turns, where lives hang in the balance and you see something shocking you’ve never seen before.” Or maybe something familiar but you refuse to accept that it’s the same stories only different situations.

Makes you hope that the illusionist would approach us and ask for the grand ending we prefer, just like what a performing clown would do on our birthday party held in our own backyard. That will not happen, because you’re not at home, you’re not the illusionist’s master, you are on the biggest stage called life, you are already a part of his performance.

You made yourself too attached with the assistant, now there’s no going back. There’s no use trying, even if you’d be able to get a step back, nothing will be the same again.

And then with the just a wave of a wand, the assistant would reappear. But there’s a catch; the place where the assistant would reappear changes for an added impact. It may be on the same box where she left, on the center stage where you can see her but cannot reach, beside another audience, or if you are lucky, and you have proven to be the best audience around, Reality might be kind enough to make her assistant reappear at your lap, where you can appreciate the prestige way better than anyone else inside the theater would.

This is just a phase; the illusionist has hundreds of tricks off his sleeves. He has many more charms to pull off his hat. There are many other forms of diversions; the stage called life where reality performs has many hidden surprises.

Above everything, what matters is that your assistant is back in sight. She’s okay, but it doesn’t mean that she will get near you to shake your hand, thank you for being there and ask you for a coffee after the show.

Confettis will fall, pop ups will blow, flashes of lights will go brighter, and the act is done. You walk away from the event thinking that what you saw can’t be real yet you still believe.

I believe. I will never get tired of magic. And I will one day break the magician’s code.

Fade to black…


IT’S COMPLICATED

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It seems like complication is the motto of this generation. It used to be just math problems but it seems math is simpler than relationships or the lack of it and those in between.

My unending question is, why does it seem sometimes that everything feels okay one day and then it’s the other way around the next. Everyone wants to be able to give a clear answer when asked.

Have you seen people using the phrase “it’s complicated” to describe their relationship status on social media profiles? Is there any chance that you’ve used that description yourself?

Relationships don’t seem to be the only thing getting more complicated these days. Why do you think that is? If you could pick out one major reason why life seems more complicated than it used to, what would you say?

Complicated is, as complicated thinks. While there are no doubt many contributors, here’s a reason you probably didn’t think of. As it turns out, dealing with complex issues actually conditions us to look for complicated solutions. This means that we often overlook simple solutions, even when they are right in front of our face. Could it be that our own thinking is actually making things more complex than necessary?

Now rest assured, I’m not saying that everything is always simple. Truth is, some things are more complex and require complex solutions. The point I really want to make is that we should look for a simple solution first. That means avoiding the tendency to assume that our challenges are more difficult than they really are.

Let’s go back to “relationship status” for a moment. Could it be that a large dose of honest communication would uncomplicated things considerably? Avoiding honest communication can complicate the daylights out of a relationship. Maybe we have been assuming things about the other person that simply aren’t accurate. Why not ask them to tell you how they feel instead of jumping to conclusions.

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All long term, meaningful relationships will face challenges from time to time. Don’t get hypnotized by the seeming complexity of the situation. Try to keep it simple, open, and honest, and see if things don’t end up feeling much less complicated. I think you will be glad you did.

Do ourselves a favor, let’s stop complicating our life. Let’s uncomplicated situations.

 


Why You Can’t Buy Creativity

“The work had better be good, I’m paying them enough.” Over the years I’ve heard this statement – or versions of it – from many different managers charged with getting creative work out of their teams.”

From a conventional management perspective, it probably sounds like common sense. But to anyone who understands the nature of creativity and what motivates creative people, it’s a recipe for disaster.

Rewarding people for hard work is a great thing to do, but it’s no guarantee of loyalty – and certainly no guarantee of creativity. And using rewards as an incentive – or even a threat – has been proven not to work when it comes to complex, challenging, creative work.

When you’re focused on a reward, you’re not focused on the work itself. And as any creative will tell you, doing outstanding creative work – whether solving a technical problem or creating a work of art – requires 100% focus on the task in hand, to the point of obsession. You have to love what you do.

Of course companies need to pay people well. If they don’t, compensation becomes a bone of contention, and a distraction from their work. But if you really want outstanding creative performance, you need people to focus on intrinsic motivations – factors inherent in the work itself. Things like challenge, interest, learning, meaning, freedom, and creative flow. They are what really motivates creative people – and the research demonstrates a strong link between levels of intrinsic motivation and creativity.

“If you really want outstanding creative performance, you need people to focus on intrinsic motivations – factors inherent in the work itself.”

In The Rise of the Creative Class, Richard Florida discusses the results of an Information Week survey of 20,000 IT workers, who were asked “What matters most to you about your job?”. Florida points out that not only did money (an extrinsic motivation) rank only fourth, behind three different types of intrinsic motivation, but that “nine of the ten highly valued job factors are intrinsic”. And remember, it was a survey of IT workers, who might be expected to take a more hard-nosed approach to motivation than more artistic types.

You Can’t Buy Creativity – You Have to Inspire It

Money buys you people’s time. It should also guarantee you basic professional competence. But you don’t get outstanding creativity by simply offering more money. You get mercenaries.

If you want real creativity – the magic ingredient X that sets the product apart – you need to inspire it, by showing them what makes the work fascinating, challenging, meaningful, and fun. And you need to give them freedom to do it their way, rather than micro-managing every step.

How to Keep Your Creative Spark Alight

If you’re a creative, you probably experience a tension between following your own creative inclinations vs giving the market (your boss, clients, or customers) what it wants. Spend too much time on your own pet projects and you risk disappointing the VIPs in your working life. But if you spend too much time on well-paid work that doesn’t inspire you, your creativity will fade away.

So it’s vital to strike a balance between intrinsic and extrinsic motivations in the work you take on. Sometimes you need to take on a less glamorous project or job to pay the bills – if so, make time for more interesting creative pursuits, in the evenings and weekends if need be. This will keep your creative spark alive and make you less resentful of the grunt work.

And challenge yourself to take a creative approach to any job you take on, no matter how unpromising the brief. It could be as mundane as packaging elastic bands, but if you keep coming up with original and valuable solutions, you’ll earn a reputation for priceless creativity.

What Motivates You and Your Team?

Think about the best piece of creative work you ever did – what motivated you to do it?

Any tips on motivating and inspiring creative employees?

 


Why Women Takes So Long to Get Ready

There’s probably a bunch of things that cause this. Some girls probably actually do want to make a man wait in order to play hard-to-get or whatever, just like in the jokes. Someone has to keep stand-up comedians in business.

A more innocent answer could be that she’s trying on clothes. As you probably know, women usually like to wear new outfits to special events. While most women aren’t wasteful enough to buy a new dress every time, she’s probably going to want to combine the dress with a different pair of shoes, or a different shawl, or maybe drape it with meat — I’m not going to judge. So she’s got a really awesome new outfit combo planned for the big day.


I said I wasn’t going to judge.

The downside of a new and exciting outfit is that it’s an untested outfit, which means that even though those boots theoretically should have gone with that skirt for a smart, modern combo, once you put it on, apparently you look like a goth. It’s bizarre.

Then you swear and start grabbing other pieces that you think will fix this, which as you can imagine, consumes a lot of time, since a lot of nice going-out clothes are both flimsy and tight, so getting in and out without tearing them is an ordeal.


When are Inuit fashions going to catch on? That’s what I want to know.

Obviously, the logical solution is to test the outfit ahead of time, which some women do. However, women, like all human beings, procrastinate, so this happens about as often as anyone actually studying for a test early or doing their homework before the last minute.

And this is all before makeup. You don’t even want to get me started on makeup. Mainly because I don’t know anything about it. But I heard it takes a long time.


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